


Folie À Deux

by cryinglightning (marsinfurs)



Category: Arctic Monkeys, Last Shadow Puppets
Genre: Drunk characters, Inspired by Humbug, M/M, Mentions of alcoholism, Murder, Party, accidental murder, rich people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-19
Packaged: 2021-03-17 11:47:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28848561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marsinfurs/pseuds/cryinglightning
Summary: Nothing brings a couple closer than accidentally murdering someone.
Relationships: Miles Kane/Alex Turner
Kudos: 5





	Folie À Deux

**Author's Note:**

> This is entirely a piece of fiction. Nothing in this work is true. I would recommend not engaging in the activities described here, I'm pretty sure murder is very very illegal. This plot came together after listening to Secret Door and Dance Little Liar and planning a murder mystery party for the better part of this week. I never murdered someone so this might be not as accurate as other works.

On their way to the garden, they talked about the weather. It’s almost morning and Miles and Alex just murdered someone. They are carrying the body, calmly discussing if they should visit Monaco. Miles regretted getting out of his house that night, but he couldn’t deny going to a party when Alex asked in such a pretty voice.

A week previously Alex told him one of his mates was throwing a party in an old Victorian mansion and Miles mentioned how much he disliked Alex’s friends. They argued, both of them being a little drunk. Alex cried and said Miles was selfish for wanting to hang out with his colleagues, or perhaps he was just jealous. They spend most of the week without talking, except for Thursday when Alex phoned him innocently.

“I’m going to a party on Saturday. I was wondering if you could drive me there.”

“Just get a cab, Alex. I’m not your driver.” Miles said.

“It’s on the outskirts of town. I wouldn’t be able to get back.”

Miles sighed audibly on the phone. He knew where this was going.

“What’s the dress code?”

“I beg your pardon?” Miles could see the smile forming in Alex’s lips as he asked that.

“Since I’m driving you I might as well stay in the party. But first I need you to tell me what type of clothing to wear.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll pick something for you.” Alex giggled.

Turns out Alex had already picked something for them, and it matched. Alex wore an exquisite (and probably expensive) emerald suit with a beige shirt underneath. His hair was combed back like the picture of David Bowie he kept on his wallet. Miles got a beige suit, not as vibrant and exotic as Alex’s but still likeable. He got a matching emerald tie to wear and besides thinking it was a bit ridiculous, he did it anyway.

The car ride was silent at first, something unusual when Alex Turner is by your side; Miles assumed he was probably hurt by their last argument. After six months of dating Alex, he was used to it. Alex was a character in Oscar Wilde novel: rich, mysterious and unpredictable. Their relationship wasn’t going to last much, but it was still fun to try.

“Matthew told me I ought to see a shrink.” Alex broke the silence when they were close to the house.

“Oh,” Miles gasped. “Did he tell you why?”

Alex’s hand was shaking terribly.

“Something about me being unstable. He probably just doesn’t understand why I’m dating you.”  
Ouch.

The reason why Miles despised being around Alex’s friends was the fact that they were rich. Not rich in a ‘my father is a doctor’ kind of way but rich in a ‘my family owns diamond mines’ kind of way. Miles couldn’t complain much, his father was a famous lawyer and he had a wealthy upbringing, but Alex and his friends were different. 

Alex’s father was a renowned musician and his mother won two Academy Awards for best actress in the late 80s. He grew up in an alternate universe, in which poverty and fairytales were topics to joke around in beneficent balls. Alex was lovely, clever and stunning, he truly was, but that didn’t stop him from being a complete cunt sometimes. 

He knew Alex’s social circle disapproved of their romance because Miles wasn’t part of the bourgeois. That didn’t bother him, though. Alex was worth the mockery.

“My dad called today. Said his friend’s daughter is interested in me.”

There was pain in voice, so strong Miles could feel it physically. He knew Alex blamed himself for being gay, especially when his father made it very clear he didn’t approve it. 

Miles squeezed his hand. If Alex kept acting weirdly all night, they might as well leave now.

“We can leave it if you are not feeling well. I’m sure Matthew would understand.” Miles said after a while.

“You’re just saying this because you don’t want to see my friends.”

“I’m saying this because I care about you, Alex. Besides, all talked about all night are topics about casually wanting to break up with me.”

“I didn’t!” Alex yelled. “You are the one that keeps being rude to me. I even bought us matching outfits.”

“If you think a green tie is the key to a relationship, you’re going to die alone.”

They didn’t talk until they arrived at the house. It was a big crimson mansion, very far from any other house. Miles remembers hearing this belonged to Matthew’s grandmother before she passed away.

As soon as they entered the house, Alex distanced himself from Miles. There were a dozen of Matthew’s friends around the house, laughing and drinking like they were in a Gatsby party. Miles looked at his watch, it was close to 10. He spent sitting next to a gramophone and staring at the ceiling.

“ I bet Alex dragged you here.” It was Jamie, one of Alex’s acquaintances from Oxford. He’d always been kind to Miles, probably because he pitied him.

“He did. I haven’t seen him all night.” He looked at the golden clock on the wall, it was close to 2 a.m.

“I saw him a while ago, dancing in the study. Don’t worry, he will find you soon.”

He didn’t know why Jamie engaged in small talk, but that was the nicest someone had been to him all day. Miles couldn’t waste that.

“Is there anything to play around here?” He asked.

“Follow me, I’ll show you the game room.” 

They played everything they possibly could, exchanging comments about their lives occasionally. Jamie, like Miles, didn’t come from old money. He met Alex while they were at university, both of them living close to each other. 

The cuckoo announced it was four in the morning. Jamie excused himself and said he had to get home, otherwise, his girlfriend would be furious. Miles noticed most of the people, including the host, already left. He had to find Alex.

When Alex left his sight, he was fairly drunk. Miles assumed he would be sleeping in settee at that point of the night. The place was a maze, full of similar paintings and doors and hallways that led to nowhere. “Fuck,” Miles exclaimed, resting his back on a bookshelf.

He realized his hand touched something odd when the bookshelf behind him started moving. It was a secret door. Miles was unsure if he should enter the passage, but remembered Alex mentioning his love for secret passages during a game of Clue months ago. This scenario was overly dramatic, much like Alex was. 

The door led to the conservatory, a beautiful yet poorly lighted place. When Miles arrived, he noticed two people arguing, one of them being Alex.

“I don’t need help, Julian, I’m doing fine!” He complained, visibly bothered. Miles couldn’t see the other man’s face from the door and doubt they could see him.

“Alex, darling, you know your father disapproves of your little affairs. But he likes me. David would be delighted if we got back together.” Julian answered, getting closer to Alex.

“I don’t want you. We broke up for a reason.”

Julian laughed.

“You are drunk, let me take you home and we will discuss this tomorrow.”

He got closer to Alex, trying to kiss him. Miles couldn’t stand this anymore, not after hearing Alex’s pleas for the other man to leave him alone.

“Who are you?” Miles asked loudly.

Julian looking in his direction, very confused. That’s when Alex hit him in the head with a candlestick. A fucking candlestick How cliché.

“Fuck, what have you done?” Miles asked while Julian laid unconscious on the floor.

Alex didn’t answer, instead, he ran towards Miles, sobbing. He calmed down after a while, but his body was still shaking. 

“Love, we have to call the police. We will explain it was an accident and they will take him to the hospital.”

“He can’t. Please, don’t make me go through this.” Alex begged, head resting in Miles’ shoulder. “My father is going to kill me. I’m going to jail. I’ll die in jail. Do you know what they do to homosexuals in jail? I’ve heard they killed this man once-”

“Shhh, calm down,” Miles said. “I have a plan.”

“You do?”

“There isn’t blood around his head, is there?”

Alex examined the body. His semester in medical school came in handy.

“No.” He finally answered.

“Great. He probably drank tonight, right?”

“Yeah, he used to have a drinking problem. That’s why we broke up.” Alex whispered.

“Fantastic!”

Miles checked the injury on Julian’s head before grabbing the body. “Help me out, love. Let’s carry this to the garden. Bring the candlestick with you.”

Alex put the candlestick in his pocket and grabbed Julian’s feet. They navigated through the house in silence, scared any of the remaining guests would hear them.

“I think he’s still alive,” Alex said after a while. “There would be blood if he killed him.”

“Don’t say things like this, Alex. One of your friends could be here.”

“What’s your plan? We are just leaving him in the garden and going home?”

“Yeah, we will leave him there with some bottles of alcohol. When he wakes up, he will assume he was drunk and forget it.” Miles opened the door that leads to the garden.

“Do you think it will be sunny tomorrow? I wanted to visit Monaco.”  
Miles laughed. He didn’t believe his boyfriend almost killed someone ten minutes ago and now was planning on visiting the French Riviera. 

“Probably not. It's November.” Miles replied. “Hold him here, I’ll go fetch the bootles.

Miles ran to the kitchen and noticed Alexa and Nicholas giggling in the dining room. Both seemed pretty drunk, which calmed him. He grabbed two half-empty bottles of Scotch and ran back to the point where Alex stood. This time, Julian’s body wasn’t where Miles left him, but in a picnic table.

“Look, they had a similar candlestick. They are identical, I think they are both made of silver.” Alex exclaimed, his vowels more elongated than usual.

“Why did you put him there, Alex? You are not sticking to the plan.”

“My arms hurt, I’m not as strong as you. I left him at the table and I saw the candlestick, so I placed it next to his head. Gravity happened and now his head is bleeding .” Alex sounded overly excited about murder, how fitting. 

“Fuck, Alex. You just murdered someone.”

“You were the one telling me we shouldn’t use such negative words. Besides, now that he’s dead we won’t have to worry about him remembering me hitting him.”

Alex grabbed the bottles from Miles’ hands and started throwing Scotch in Julian’s clothes. “He used to blackout a lot when we dated, anyway. No one will bat an eye.”

Miles stayed silent for a while. His boyfriend, even drunk, had clever ideas.

“He will get inside the house, talk to Alexa and Nicholas for a while and leave. Don’t mention the dead body in the garden, please.”

His rational side wanted to scream at Alex, call him a bloody murderer, but he couldn’t. Julian seemed like an awful person just for the short minutes Miles heard him talk. Any feeling of guilt went away when Alex hugged him and whispered “He used to hit me, you know. He did it again today before you came in.” 

Miles helped an extremely drunk Alex inside the house, looking at the purple bruise in his neck. They walked back through the secret door and met Nicholas and Alexa at the dining room. Alexa slept in an armchair and Nicholas played the piano. 

“Hey, Nick!!” Alex said, barely able to keep his eyes open. “I didn’t know you played the piano. I had classes when I was a kid, you know, my dad being a musician and all…”

Miles considered himself a social butterfly, but his social skills didn’t come close to Alex’s. He thanked his boyfriend’s ability to talk, even when he was very drunk. He sighed, sitting next to the fireplace. What a night. The sun was starting to appear in the sky when they decided to leave. Nicholas told them he would wait for Alexa to wake up before he left.

They grabbed their coats and left, Alex almost passing out. He looked exhausted and probably wouldn’t remember much of this in the morning. Miles drove back to London, looking at the sleeping body next to him. He messed with Alex’s hair occasionally. 

By the time they arrived at Miles’ place, it was morning. He placed Alex in his bed, taking his coat off. He noticed the candlestick sticking out of a pocket, and he smiled. It would good at his dining table.

“We are not going to Monaco,” Alex said, half asleep when Miles laid next to him in bed. “Cornwall will do just fine.”


End file.
